good mourning, sunshine

a poem.

If grief is what we get for loving deeply—

Then perhaps I did not love well enough.

---

It was a Friday dawn,
And I barely managed a yawn
Before the trees whispered, “Good morning.”
And I could not answer—a corpse of warning.

Because the clock kept ticking, and the people kept going,
And I stayed there—in bed—trapped in a cycle of good mourning.

Where my guts were empty—rotting inside.
A skeleton of emotion, I was little more than a hide.
Because along with you, a part of me died,
And I can’t even remember
The last time I cried.

*

A gaping hole has nestled itself
Between my ribs.
A beast, a parasite—
It’s grown tired of my fibs.

“I’m fine,” I’ll say, 
Through a fragile smile.
If only you knew,
All I could taste was bile.

For there in my ribs,
A piece of me has been missing.
It’s held fast—held strong—
For an organ I kept blacklisting.

Like it, too, knew
It must return back to where it belonged.
But who knew when that time would come
Because that organ had been so terribly wronged—

By me,
By life,
By all there is to endure.

And even if, say, it did—return?
How could anything save me
From my soul’s denial
And life’s ever-treacherous trials?

*

The truth is,
I don’t know life
Without you.

And if I could quit lying to myself,
Maybe that would be true.

But it isn’t—
I know.
Because I slept peacefully without you,
Even when you were still here for me to hold onto.

So forgive me,
Please.
And rest at ease.

Goodbye, sweet angel.
I love you ∞

---

Grief is a fickle thing. I’m still not sure I’m 100% “better.” I don’t know if I’ll ever be.

Words have been hard for me to write lately, but I thought I’d finally give my poetry a try again. Forgive me if this does not come off as one of my usual poems.

Thank you for reading regardless.

Much love,

Cali